Interview With A Pirate
by midgetmania
Summary: Every chapter will be a fictional and possibly humorous interview with one of the characters. Every time the name ‘Emily’ comes up, it is me; a. k. a. - the interviewer. Please read and review and make up questions you think should be asked!
1. Elizabeth Swann

Emily: When you and jack were stranded on the deserted island, how drunk did you have to get for Jack to convince you to teach him your pirate song?

Elizabeth: Everything that happened after we got really drunk is a bit foggy, but I think I had a lot more than just one bottle. I do seem to recall Jack trying to teach me to dance properly, but I'm not sure how well it worked out. There also might have been a very wild version of pirate tag, but I won't go into any details on that.

Emily: I seem to recall Jack trying to kiss you before he passed out. Other than right before the kraken killed him, did he succeed?

Elizabeth: What do you think the answer to that question is?

Emily: hopefully Yes?

Elizabeth: Are you insane? Of course he didn't succeed.

Emily: sigh So, what was it like when you _did _kiss him?

Elizabeth: Well I'm not at liberty to disclose that information right at the moment. Perhaps we should move on to a different subject. nervous giggle

Emily: Alright, how about this. What were your first impressions of Barbossa?

Elizabeth: He gave me the willies, but I couldn't show it when I was facing him, of course. For starters, his eyes were blood-shot, and he always gave me those strange looks. And his breath was awful! I had to hold my own breath to keep from throwing up at the sight of his hideous teeth; he could have knocked a horse out cold. And that monkey of his was creepy enough when it looked normal, but when it was skeletal I almost had a heart attack the first time I saw it!

Emily: After you were arrested and Will was sent to get Jack's compass, what inspired you to threaten Beckett in order to get the letters of marque?

Elizabeth: Well, when my father pulled me out of the prison cell and stuck me in a carriage, I thought to myself, what would Jack do in this situation? And I'm sure you can well imagine the various things Jack would have done.

Emily: Can't everyone? Say, do you think you could introduce me to Jack sometime?

Elizabeth: I doubt it, but you never know. If he thinks it will improve his own legend he'll come running like a starving dog to a raw steak. His ego is far too big for his own good.

Emily: What was it like to see Jack in the locker and have him react to you so strangely?

Elizabeth: It was like I'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse; it shocked me so much. I hadn't ever thought about what he would do when he saw me again, and it caught me off-guard. I felt horrible when I saw the look on his face, but I knew there wouldn't be anything I could do to apologize. I mean, I practically murdered him, and yet I didn't think he would act so coldly toward me when he saw me.

Emily: It must have been hard, but it couldn't have been as hard as saying good-bye to Will and knowing that you're not going to see him for ten years.

Elizabeth: sighing sadly It was the worst feeling in the world to know I have to be separated from him when we've been through so much together. I may never get used to it.

Emily: So, what did you think of Jack's clever discovery of how to get out of the locker?

Elizabeth: Being in the locker made Jack even more insane than he had been before, but I think, in a way, it also made him smarter. Though I have noticed he's been prone to talking to himself since the incident; I even over-heard him talking in his sleep one time. He kept saying that a lummox had stolen his peanut so he wasn't going to invite him to his fantastic garden party.

Emily: Alright, this is my last question; if you woke up in a bed with Jack and both of you were naked, what three words would you say to him?

Elizabeth: Can this be off-the-record?

Emily: grins slyly and crosses finger behind back Of course!

Elizabeth: Does if have to be three?

Emily: Yes, it does.

Elizabeth: Well, then I'd either say get out now, or I'd use three choice swear words and then I'd chase him out with a stick when I'm decent.


	2. Jack Sparrow

Emily: Alright, I know this might be completely off-subject, but do you know what was up with the screaming posse of girls outside my front door?

Jack: There was a screaming posse of girls outside your front door? I've no idea what they were doing there; in fact, I didn't even know they were there.

Emily: Well, for starters, they were screaming _your_ name, and I believe several of them said they wanted your hat. I don't know what they could have possibly been thinking.

Jack: grinning mischievously Do you want my hat?

Emily: slightly nervous I don't know what you're talking about, but it doesn't really matter because _I'm_ the interviewer, not you.

Jack: still grinning Keep telling yourself that, love, but it's really not healthy to be in denial about your feelings.

Emily: Is that so? Then what about you trying to convince yourself you didn't want Elizabeth when the fact that your compass wouldn't work right proved that you really did?

Jack: I knew exactly what I wanted! The only reason that bloody compass wasn't working right is because I really didn't want to have to get the key to the chest all by myself, savvy?

Emily: smiling triumphantly Oh, come on! Just admit what everyone else already knows; you felt pretty hot when Elizabeth kissed you, even if she was just trying to distract you so she could handcuff you to the mast. And everyone knows that she almost couldn't keep herself from kissing you again after she'd handcuffed you.

Jack: slightly taken aback Why would it matter if I wanted Elizabeth? Is it so wrong to want women who are pleasing to the eye?

Emily: No, of course not, but up until now you've failed to admit that lovely little tidbit of information. Now, on to the next question. Did you ever stop to think about what was going through Will's mind when he saw you kissing Elizabeth?

Jack: Wait, the whelp saw it . . . I mean, us?

Emily: eyes suddenly go wide in shock, and hand flies to mouth Oh my goodness!

Jack: Something wrong, love?

Emily: mumbled because of hand covering mouth Ishouldn'thavesaidthatI'msosorry!

Jack: What?

Emily: nervous giggle Oh, nothing, I just didn't realize you didn't know. Perhaps we should move on to another question.

Jack: giving her a strange look Whatever floats your boat . . . Or dinghy.

Emily: Alright then, why was it so easy to let Jones have the whelp . . . Err, I mean, Will?

Jack: Ha! You called him a whelp too. I knew it, you can't hide it now!

Emily: innocently Can't hide what, Jack?

Jack: You can't hide the fact that you want to be the mother of my children, and you're so crazy about my hat that you have the insane urge to snatch it maniacally off my head and run into town to cavort around like a love-struck school-girl.

Emily: nervous giggle How do you get that from my calling Will a whelp?

Jack: giving her a very serious, but still slightly mischievous look You can't look me in the eye and say you're not crazy about me. It's simple body-language, love. No amount of bravado is going to convince me otherwise.

Emily: tries to stare him down, but after a few seconds her eyes flick away from him in an embarrassed sort of way

Jack: See? I told you it wouldn't work.

Emily: after regaining composure Alright then, what was it like to be in the locker?

Jack: You just _had_ to ask that, didn't you?

Emily: grinning I'm waiting.

Jack: sighing I really think it would be better if we moved on to another question now.

Emily: No can do, Jackie.

Jack: It's _Jack_, love, not Jackie.

Emily: Just answer the question or I'll show Will a very kinky picture of you and Elizabeth being drunk on the deserted island, savvy? evil grin

Jack: You wouldn't dare.

Emily: Are you sure about that?

Jack: If you must know, it was the worst punishment imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on anyone . . . Except, of course, Hector Barbossa and that monkey of his.

Emily: That's all I wanted to know. Now, I have to know, what was up with the peanut?

Jack: How do you know about the peanut?

Emily: I have my sources. I'm sure you'll understand that I like to be informed of things.

Jack: Honestly, I don't know where the peanut came from, but it happened to be the only food in that God-forsaken place, and it didn't even taste all that good anyway.

Emily: Okay, this is my last question. If someone dared you to hug Davy Jones while you're sober, would you do it?

Jack: Well, that would depend on whether or not Jones himself is sober or not.

Emily: You would both be sober.

Jack: Most likely I'd only do it he wasn't looking; if I did it when he was looking I'd probably get my head ripped off with that nasty claw of his.


	3. James Norrington

Emily: Good evening, Norrington. I suppose this will be an extremely formal type of interview since it's you I'm talking to, won't it?

James: Actually, I don't really care. I'm dead now, so it really doesn't matter if you're formal or not, does it? Speaking of which, if I'm dead how did I end up here?

Emily: Oh, Calypso brought you back so I could interview you.

James: Does that mean this 'being back' will be permanent even after the interview is over?

Emily: I've no idea. You'll have to take that up with Calypso. My job is just to ask the questions; I don't care about the details as long as I have an interesting subject to torture, uh, I mean interview.

James, a slightly nervous look on his face: You're just joking with me, right?

Emily: About the torture? Oh, of course I'm joking! Now, on to business. What were your first thoughts of Will Turner?

James: That annoying twerp who stole the only love of my life away from me? I'm fairly certain that everyone knows what I thought of him.

Emily: Oh, we know what you thought of him _after_ the whole stealing your love business, but what I want to know is what you thought of him _before_ that mess got started.

James: I thought he was a fool; especially after he decided to help that Sparrow character out of prison so they could rescue Elizabeth. I mean, _really_, he was only a blacksmith, a _commoner_, for goodness' sakes. What would a commoner know about rescuing a lady?

Emily: Obviously he knew more than you thought he did, and he seemed more brave about the whole thing than you were.

James, clearly insulted: He simply had a lot of luck, that's all; there wasn't anything intelligent or clever about what he did. It wasn't braver, dear, it was stupidity.

Emily: Elizabeth didn't seem to think so. But enough of this nonsense arguing. What was it like seeing Elizabeth act more like a pirate than a proper lady?

James: I wanted to strangle Jack Sparrow for getting her into the whole mess. It was his fault she got arrested, and it was his fault when she was forced to use less honest ways to get out it.

Emily: What was going through your mind when you realized Jack had hidden the heart in his jar of dirt?

James: It was like I'd struck a gold mine of hope. With that heart, I knew, I would be able to regain some semblance of honor, and possibly my old title as well. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up, so I took the heart and the chest, and ran with them.

Emily: Now that you know what ended up happening because of your selfishness do you regret it?

James: Well, I do, but in a way I also don't regret it; it's a very complicated feeling, you see.

Emily: What was it like having Elizabeth tell you that you didn't know what side you chose?

James: It shocked me really. I thought that she, of all people, would understand my position, but apparently she saw my actions as selfish as well.

Emily, suddenly grinning as an idea strikes: Say, what would you do if Jack kissed Elizabeth?

James, taking a deep breath and giving me a very serious look: I'd carve out his spleen, nail it to the crow's nest, strap his body to a cannon, throw it overboard, and do a victory dance to rival all other victory dances that have ever, or will be, danced. Then I'd light his precious Pearl on fire and watch it sink to oblivion along with him.

Emily, giving him a funny look and giggling nervously: Have you ever thought of taking an anger management class?

James: No, why would I?

Emily, smiling nervously: It would do wonders for your personality which is at the moment, at best, slightly frightening.

James: I seem to recall this being an interview, not a 'let's-all-see-how-often-we-can-insult-Norrington' day.

Emily: It's not an insult if it's the truth, dear.

James: I think this interview is about over.

Emily: Sorry, but you can't leave till I've had my ten questions.

James: I'm sure you've had quite a few more than ten, dear.

Emily: I always write down ten major questions that I want answered in my notebook. Anything else is simply pleasant chatter to help move the interview along and avoid awkward transitions.

James: I thought this would be something educational; like how Lord Cutler Beckett became the main leader of the East India Company.

Emily: Are you kidding me? Who would want to know something boring like that? It's more entertaining to watch you squirm while I ask you about how hard it was to watch Elizabeth loving on Will, while you had nothing to show for your efforts except a lost commission.

James: Are you trying to make me want to hit you?

Emily, grinning innocently: No, of course not! But I do have to warn you that, if you do hit me, your butt will be sent to court so fast it'll make your head spin like a top.

James: Is that a threat?

Emily: No, it's a promise. This, however, is my last question. If Elizabeth dared you to chug a whole bottle of rum without taking a breath, would you do it?

James: I don't know. Maybe.

Emily: You're just giving me a maybe? You have to do better than that.

James: I don't, and I won't; this interview is over.

Emily, sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him.

James, returns the favor, then mutters "child" under his breath as he leaves.


	4. Will Turner

Emily: I'm not going to waste any time today William, so I'm gonna jump right in to the first question.

Will: You're not going to introduce yourself?

Emily: You don't know who I am?

Will: I was told I was being interviewed, but because of the difficulty of not being able to go on land, I wasn't informed of who was interviewing me or what the interview would be about.

Emily: Jack hasn't told you about me?

Will: He mentioned meeting a young lady who was madly in love with him and his hat, but other than that, no.

Emily: Well, I'm Emily, and I'm asking questions about recent events that have taken place in the world of pirates.

Will: Oh, well, go on then.

Emily: Okay, do you ever get embarrassed when people mention the whole breaking-the-candelabra-off-the-wall thing?

Will: What candelabra?

Emily: The one that was in the Swann mansion.

Will: Oh, _that_ candelabra.

Emily: Your face has gone red as a cherry tomato, Will.

Will: Let's move on then; I'd rather put the past behind me.

Emily: If that's how you feel, fine. Now, does the fact that people are constantly hitting you over the head get annoying?

Will: Yes; I've only hit Jack on the head once, but he's hit me more times than I can count. It's gotten to the point where I might have to start wearing a helmet every time I'm around him.

Emily: That's . . . Interesting. I must say the thought makes me want to giggle.

Will: Don't.

Emily: I'll try not to, but don't be surprised if I can't contain myself; I'm known to be very prone to giggling fits. But, on to the next question. What are your thoughts of Norrington?

Will: He's a pompous, self-serving git, and he annoyed the heck out of me on Isla Cruces. It was pathetic, really, how he was so desperate to earn back his commission; I almost felt sorry for him, at least until he started fighting with Jack and I. In the end I believe he got what he deserved.

Emily: I'd give my opinion on that matter, but it would be unprofessional of me. Anyway, I want to know what it was like stealing Jones' key out from under his nose.

Will: It was quite nerve-wrecking. It seemed as though he was a deep sleeper, but I wasn't sure, and then I had to get in his face and you simply cannot imagine how horrible the smell was. I had to hold my breath because I was afraid I'd lose my lunch all over his face.

Emily: Oh, yuck! I certainly couldn't have done it; I don't have the capacity to stomach bad smells. It would be a miracle if I could keep from throwing up.

Will: I nearly had a heart-attack when his tentacle fell on the organ keys. If it hadn't been for that music box he would have woken up and I would have been a dead man.

Emily: So, do you have utmost faith that Elizabeth will be able to keep your heart safe?

Will: Yes, I do. I will never doubt Elizabeth; she's more resourceful than she lets on, and she's a strong, capable woman. I do not have to worry about my heart when she has it.

Emily: Do you ever get in touch with Jack anymore?

Will: No, not really. My job takes me far from other people, and I don't have any idea what Jack is doing. He's probably off on another hare-brained scheme going who-knows-where. I don't really care anyway.

Emily: I heard he was going to look for the fountain of youth.

Will: Like I said; he's on some hare-brained scheme, as always.

Emily: Is being the captain of the _Flying Dutchman_ ever boring, or is there always something going on?

Will: It can be boring at times; tedious even, but the crew and I are always busy with my job of ferrying souls. It's rare to have more than one day at one time where there isn't anything to do.

Emily: Well, I only have one more question and then I'll let you get back to your duties. If you could have anything in the world if you hugged Lord Cutler Beckett, what would you want?

Will: I think I'd want freedom from this role, but I don't think I want it bad enough that I'd hug Cutler Beckett. I don't think even his mother would want to hug him, and I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. I'd tell her I'm sorry she had to have him as a son.


End file.
